So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
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