there's paper in my vomit.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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