tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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