Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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