Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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