The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
