i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
love makes seman taste better
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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