i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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