I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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