You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
