i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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