I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
