Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
