I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Randomize
