I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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