youre lurking in front of me
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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