so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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