I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
