She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
