She is in my trunk
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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