He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
