Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
