i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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