remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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