I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
