i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
