so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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