Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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