Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
So much rum. So many feels.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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