Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
