Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
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