The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
