I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
