Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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