The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
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There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
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Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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