Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm way too hungover for life right now
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
