You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
