I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
