i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You are the jesus of drinking
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
