In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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