and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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