Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Randomize
