I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
