I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
