Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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