shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
