I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
