I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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