He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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