Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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