Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
