Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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