I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
