Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
