I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
