i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
