did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Randomize
