It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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