That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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