I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
